Reflections On Criticism 
by Dale Carnegie
Elbert Hubbard was one of the most original authors who ever stirred up a nation,
and his stringing sentences often aroused fierce resentment. But Hubbard with his
rare skill for handling people frequently turned his enemies into friends; for
example, when some irritated reader wrote in to say that he didn’t agree with such
and such an article and ended by calling Hubbard this and that, Elbert would
answer like this: “Come to think it over, I don’t entirely agree with it myself. Not
everything I wrote yesterday appeals to me today. I am glad to learn what you
think on the subject. The next time you are in the neighborhood you must visit us,
and we’ll get this subject threshed out for all time. So, here is a handclasp over the
miles, and I am yours sincerely.” What could you say to a man who treated you
like that?
During one of the sessions of the course in human relations which I conduct, each
member stands up in turn while his fellow members let him see himself as others see him. They tell him frankly what they like and don’t like about his personality.
Since their criticisms are all written and unsigned, the students reveal their secret
and innermost thoughts. After one of these sessions, a chap came to me
heartbroken. His critics had scourged him like a galley slave. He was denounced
for being too sure of himself, too self-centered, and too domineering. He was
condemned for being a trouble-maker and an egotist. One of his critics ordered
him to get out of the class. At the next session of the course, he stood up and faced
the class, and read aloud the stinging rebukes he had received; but instead of
denouncing his critics, as he had been tempted to do, he said: “Boys, I am certainly
unpopular. There can be no mistaking that. It hurts me to read these comments,
but they are good for me. They have taken the starch out of me and taught me a
lesson. I am human. I long for friends just as you do. I want to make people like
me. Won’t you help me? Won’t you please write me some criticisms tonight and
tell me frankly what I can do to improve my personality? If you will, I’ll try hard,
awfully hard, to change.” He wasn’t faking. He spoke straight from his own heart;
so naturally he reached the hearts of his critics. The very men who had denounced
him one week earlier were all for him now. They praised him for his frankness, his
eagerness to learn, his humility. They encouraged him and gave him kindly
suggestions for improvement. They admitted that they had already begun to like
him and were eager to help him. His soft answer had turned away wrath.
When we are right, let’s try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of
thinking; and when we are wrong – and that will be surprisingly often if we are
honest with ourselves – let’s admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm. That technique will not only produce astonishing results; but, believe it or not, it is also a lot more fun, under the circumstances, than trying to define one’s self. Remember the old proverb: “By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding, you get more than you expected.”
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